Toxic Shame and the Egos Game

Many of us can relate to the sentiment, those words in our heads that say, “I am just not good enough,” and then, “here’s why…..”

The toxic virus of shame runs rampant if it remains unconscious, shame is a core driving emotion that thrives on blissful ignorance. It clouds us in a dark shadow and creates dense grey walls around our ‘Inner Light,’ our ability to connect with our authentic selves, and not the constructed self of the ego. Our ego is the structure by which we get rid of tension, through thoughts and feelings for the purpose of survival. Therefore, we stayed mired and constrained in fear, anger and depression. It’s no surprise that we are depressed, when our emotional range is so limited. We are not anchored in our hearts, but is a construct of our ego, an individuated self that was formed before the age of 7. Wayne Dyer said, “our ego is a wave on a vast ocean, and yet it thinks it is the ocean!” It is not, and here’s why….

The toxic feelings of shame’s energetic vibration are despair, rage, judgement, bitterness, pessimism, jealousy, despair and sadness. There are many more feelings, but it shows us a pretty bleak picture of the emotional landscape we are dealing with. Unfortunately, this is the ‘self’ that is mainly in the driving seat of our lives, and the longer we remain unconscious of this fact, the more our lives become a printout of toxicity, just look at the life of a drug addict to see it’s strangle hold.  However, from that anguished focal point, our heart and soul continually beckons us back to our authentic selves, to make the unconscious, conscious and heal by coming to terms with our back story.

“Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakes.” Carl Jung

Toxic FeaturedMy childhood was fertile breeding ground for shame to run its toxic program. Starting with sexual, emotional and physical abuse, and then rape. Consequently, I had a deep sadness, despair, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and an all-consuming feeling of “I’m not good enough, I’m defective and here’s why…….” My ego’s constructed survival mechanism, that led to many self-defeating choices later in life, that deepened my pain, and compounded how I already felt about myself. The ‘here’s why’ is the part where I could unknowingly collude with my ego’s lying dictatorship and justify how I was treated by others. I ushered in a life of addiction, abuse and dysfunctional relationships, all showing up in my ‘reality’ to demonstrate to me how defective and unlovable I was.


At 13 years old, I was raped by a 20-year-old man. For many years I had lived in denial of rape, because ‘I consented’ with my 13 years of maturity. That fateful evening, I was late home, and knew first-hand that my dad didn’t take well to being disobeyed. The anticipation of what was coming terrified me.  His big shovel of a hand hit my face as soon as I opened the door, and it was followed by an onslaught of angry verbal abuse, name calling, and violence, just for being late. I was sent to bed sobbing. It never occurred to me to mention being raped earlier that evening (I never told him), as far as I was concerned, I had just lost my virginity to a man who showed me some attention. It took 40 years to acknowledge the truth, because I believed it was my fault. I was guilty.

Toxic shame burrowed its way into my soul. The journey into addiction had begun.

I used to believe that life was to be endured, a series of obstacles to overcome and basically a joyless existence. It makes me sound like a complete victim, and back then I was. But my saving grace was an intuitive, inner voice from my higher self, that never left me. I’m glad it didn’t, because there were times I prayed to die, it felt like dying was the only reprieve, from emotional, physical and mental anguish and pain. I’m thankful I listened to that intuitive voice and pushed forward, gleaning important lessons along the way, taking the wisdom and holding it close, so I never forget or feel tempted again by the allure of addiction. The future held promise of a healed heart and a peaceful soul.  I owned my story, it no longer owned me.

Emotional Trauma

Hypnotherapy for Emotional Trauma and Inner Child work facilitated effective and lasting healing.

It took immense perseverance to change, there are no quick fixes, but the rewards were well worth the effort. I gained access to joy, balance, peace and freedom, emotions I had no concept of previously. Shame moulded me into the person I became, and the work I decided to do. I understand first-hand how difficult and challenging healing can be, but it is better to gradually walk up the mountain, than stand at the bottom gazing up, fearful and stuck, wondering what the view is like from the top.

Shame doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Emotional trauma can be released and resolved with The Havening Technique, EMDR and Hypnotherapy for Self Esteem.

Let us start with, “I am good enough, and here’s why…….”

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